Work Thoughts on a Weekend

The funniest part of the work situation I alluded to Thursday, if by funny you mean oh, I'd better laugh because crying takes too much energy, is that I came in yesterday morning to an e-mail message that said essentially, Nevermind.



So, after a brief flirtation with "the project so big that every single thing needs to be changed, how in god's name...", we're back to "so much work, I can't say 'in my spare time' without laughing." Normal.

I just found this, which I wrote a couple of weeks ago (shortly before my meltdown day, if I recall correctly) and never did anything with.

For some strange reason, when people warn me that more change is coming, change-change-change, and I should be ready for it, that does not make me think, oh, good, time to prepare myself for the coming change! Instead, it seems to provoke an instinctive, early-panic reaction of no! run! no more change! I can't take more change! Which is not helpful.

And when people at work mention projects coming later this year, massive-effort projects that are coming, it's invoking in me a feel of desperation. Have to get out, have to get out, run run run... Deer in the headlights, stuck in quicksand, nightmare-bad-stuff-coming-can't-move feelings that are really not pleasant. I'm trying to breathe, trying to keep focused, but oh it's hard.

I have to be careful not to be so eager to get out that I go from the frying pan into the fire, but, oh, I am eager. Desperate.

Compounding this is the regular seasonally-appropriate feeling of good heavens, isn't winter ever going to end? I am so tired of cold and snow and dark and blah. I want warm, I want sunny, and I want it now, and if I can't have it, well, what is there to eat around here?

Then another day, I wrote this:

Workplace contrasts
Picture this: as part of the tour when you start a new job, you're shown the company lunch room. It's small, seating maybe two dozen, nothing special, but there's a coffee machine and a microwave, and the cupboards are filled with chips, cookies, candy, and there's a fridge full of drinks, all help yourself.

Next, picture the same room. No snacks in the cupboards or fridge, though there are vending machines where you can buy drinks or snacks. There is still a coffee machine ... and at the sink next to it, there is an empty paper towel holder and underneath, a note in large letters saying, "DO NOT PUT A TRASH CAN HERE".

Is it just my imagination, or do you get a different vibe from the two pictures?

So it's good that I found a job listing to apply to this week. Keep your fingers crossed, would you? Because I don't like having a major migraine every weekend, and stress is a big trigger.