I Implore You, Not Before Saturday

The news that there are photos on the Internet of the final Harry Potter book disturbs me greatly. Not that I would ever, ever go look at them, but now I have to worry that I will inadvertently hear ... something ... before Saturday that I don't want to know, that I will have the radio or TV on when they talk too much about it or will look at a website that has been spoiler-mined, so to speak, and can I tell you how mad I would be?

It's one thing to talk to someone and discuss if you think Harry will die, or Snape, or Ron, or Hermione, or Neville, or anyone else. But being told, for sure, what happens in the book before you read it? Oh, don't you dare.

The story in this morning's Boston Globe said:

The identity of the leaker, and how he or she obtained a copy of the book, wasn't known, but other people appear to be taking things a step further. A posting on one file-sharing site yesterday seemed to be recruiting volunteers to type the words from the photographs into text documents, in order to make them more legible.

"I have spent the better part of 3 hours now making the pages readable and separating them into chapters," the post reads. "I'm looking for people who are willing to type up pages." The post included an e-mail address. The Globe sent an inquiry to it, and a person named Kyle Giovanni replied: "I didn't leak it, I'm just a fan who is taking some pretty illegible picture files and making them into legible word files."

Oh, please! You are no fan!

You didn't leak it, meaning you didn't take it, so you're all innocent? Just because you didn't steal it off the truck or out of the warehouse, you don't get off so easy.

First off, you know full well it's not supposed to go on sale until Saturday, so you know you're breaking the rules. And that doesn't make you Robin Hood, either.

You're trying to ruin the story for millions of people, and to be honest, "I'm just a fan who is taking some pretty illegible picture files and making them into legible word files" sounds like you just want to be clear that you're not the one who took the fuzzy photos of the stolen book in the first place. Do you expect a pat on the back?

Not from me, pal. And looking for volunteers to type? Nice. More rotten spoil-sports to rain on our parade. You deserve each other. May you all get boils where you sit on a broomstick.

I have been looking forward to this event, literally, for years. I do not wish to have to be a grown-up about it if someone spoils it for me. So I'll be sticking to carefully selected media outlets for the next few days, until I get up Saturday morning, drive to Target, pick up my $17.99 copy of The Book, and come home to read it.

Don't bother calling before mid-afternoon. I won't be answering the phone until I turn the last page. For book six, if memory serves, that was around 2:30, but of course results may differ this time. I'll let you know.

Finally:

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

I just made it into Hufflepuff, 14 to 13 over Ravenclaw. What about you?