In Which I Admit to Idiocy

I blog about a lot of things, various topics and random thoughts that cross my mind, but I don't often blog about those (thankfully rare) moments when I feel like a true idiot, when I've done something (or not done something) that makes me feel like I ought to have a keeper. Although in general writing often makes me feel better, or helps me work through something, there are times when dwelling on something just makes me feel worse, and who needs that, right? But this one is unresolved and driving me crazy, and I'm hoping that writing it out will help me solve it.

The short story is this: I lost a credit card. The slightly longer version is that it came in the mail last Thursday, and while I am 99% sure it is in my condo somewhere, I Can Not Find It Anywhere. Which is making me nuts. Let me say that again:

NUTS

It doesn't feel hyperbolic to say that I have looked everywhere (four times), even though strictly speaking that can't be true because I haven't found it, so there's somewhere I haven't looked. But where is it? Where? I am going batso nutso over here.

It came Thursday. I took it to the computer to activate it. I signed the back. I remember looking at it, noting that the square where my picture is supposed to be was blank white instead, and wondering if I should call AmEx, or call Costco, or bring it to Costco in person.

After that? Well, on Thursday night I was packing for my weekend trip, and I have no further memories relating to the card. When I pulled out my wallet over the weekend, I noticed that it wasn't in there, felt mildly surprised, and thought, "Oh, I must have left it by the computer to call about it." But I got home, and it isn't by the computer--though the paperwork that came with it is. It isn't on the kitchen table, no matter how many times I look (and when I was looking again last night, I spilled a glass of water all over everything, which was the straw that broke the camel's back for my mood last night, as you can imagine; frustrated plus over-tired is not a good look for me).

I am not the most classically organized person, but I can usually find things by putting them where I think they should be, or where I'll expect to find them. In this case, in my wallet, by the computer, and on the kitchen table all make sense to me. Nothing else does, though I have looked in all sorts of places anyway, because it has to be here somewhere. It has to!

It isn't stuck in my purse somewhere other than my wallet; I took everything out of the purse and used a messenger bag for Apple Festival on Saturday, so I can say that for sure. Which didn't stop me from taking everything out again, just in case. And then everything out of the wallet, even though I've looked and looked there already.

I don't remember what I was wearing Thursday*, but I've checked all the pockets in the dirty clothes and it isn't there.
*Even by Sunday night, Thursday seemed like a long time ago.

I have looked all over the place, in case I put it down somewhere while I was thinking of something else, since I was thinking about packing more than anything else that night. Nowhere to be seen. And because I was packing, I was all over the place, so it could be anywhere. I walk from room to room looking around, thinking it will be somewhere obvious.

But it is nowhere.

I've used the same petsitter for, what maybe eight years? So clearly I trust them, with my home and my belongings and my cats, and I really don't think they took it. All the same, I checked the card's account online, and no one has used the card. I do think that if they took my card, they would have started to use it right away, before I noticed it was gone, right?

I keep thinking about it, and when I'm not home it seems that it must be in one of the obvious places and I just have to go home and I'll find it. Under the table! Maybe it fell on the floor. Under the printer! It could have slipped under that, right? This has not worked out so far, and when I'm home I find my brain keeps going around and around, uselessly: "Where IS it? It has to be SOMEWHERE! How can it be GONE? What kind of IDIOT loses a credit card--a CREDIT CARD--in her own home? Where did it GO? It HAS to be here somewhere!" And so on. I've been reduced to saying, "I wouldn't have put it there," with certainty about some spot, and then looking anyway because I can't keep looking in the same places where it isn't.

If I accidentally threw it out (which, seriously, how would I do that? but who knows at this point), it's gone, because the garbage is gone. I took a quick flip through the recycling and didn't see it, but I will go through Every Single Piece Just In Case.

But, really? Where is it? Where?

I just want to find it and feel stupid specifically about where it was, instead of feeling generally stupid and perplexed. Where is it? Where is it?