Thursday, April 30, 2009

Thursday meditations

When Pan died, just being at home was painful. Everywhere I looked, everything I looked at ... reminders of him at every turn. The perch by the window where he spent so much time, especially near the end; the back of the couch where he liked to snuggle near me; the soft robe he adored kneading. I would get teary when I climbed into bed at night and he wasn't there to snuggle in, when I showered without him waiting impatiently for his water world, when I came home and automatically started to look for him. Being in the location we once shared hit that sore spot over and over.

The situation is strangely opposite now that my dad has died. My recent memories of him, over say the last 10-12 years, are mainly in Florida. He had been to my condo, but it's not his location to me. Being home doesn't, in and of itself, trigger pain and painful memories.

What's triggered it so far, oddly enough, is the word "parents". I have to start saying "my mother" instead.
"My mother lives in Florida."
Or "I'm going to visit my mother."
Not that I'm erasing him, or the word "parents" altogether; but it has to go to the past.
"My parents moved to Florida in 1996."
"My parents met in Trinidad."

Tomorrow will be better. No matter how arbitrary is actually is, it will be somewhat comforting to put April behind me, to be able to say, "last month". (Plus, hockey is one of my drugs, and Game 1 of Round 2 is tomorrow.)

Sunday will be better. Done with the worst of the "this time last week" thoughts.

May 11th will be better. Back to Florida. Hug my mom. Better.


Blogger Barb said...

I'm just catching back up with your blog and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. My dad died in 1989 and I still miss him every single day. It's not as painful --time does heal--but it never goes away. My heart is with you.


7:50 PM, April 30, 2009  
Blogger Jess said...

Oh man. I've never even thought of that aspect of things--naming one parent instead of referring to them as a unit. Here's hoping that May really does help you feel a little better.

10:24 PM, April 30, 2009  
Blogger Stacey said...

Give your mom a hug from all of us, too.

1:55 PM, May 01, 2009  
Blogger Maura said...

You've written this so beautifully painfully accurate. I continue grieving my beloved daughter, and so I understand.

Many thoughts and prayers are coming your way, dear friend!

4:22 PM, May 01, 2009  

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