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I am so tired of crying.

I don't mean, of being upset. I am upset, and that will only diminish when it does, with time. When I was trying to decide if I wanted to post, last night, I considered writing that I was cranky, or grumpy, but then I corrected myself.

Those are moods. I am not merely in a mood. I'm mourning. I have lost a loved one.


I didn't just wake up on the wrong side of bed.

But I am, literally, tired of the physical act of crying. When I cry, my nose fills up almost instantly. A second or two in, I can't breathe. In fact, once or twice in the past I have nearly had a panic attack because while I was crying, I got a tissue to blow my nose, and between trying to breathe, and cry, and blow, the tissue got sucked over my mouth and Can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe!

For the last week, I have gone between numb quiet, trying not to think about it, and crying, often suddenly and out of nowhere, or prompted by something that wouldn't ordinarily make me cry. (Like last night, when I came in, and I was tired and had to go to the bathroom, and I was hungry, and Harold was tripping me up looking for love, and then I somehow jammed my finger hard against a switch turning a light on. All very irritating put together, but not something that would usually leave me sobbing on the couch. However, for no real reason as I drove home, I thought of that last trip to the vet with Pan. Add that to the stew and pop.)

It's exhausting. I'm worn out. Last night, I got to hoping that this week has been as bad as it was because of the addition of my hormones. I mean, the first week after was never going to be good, but holy hell*. Where are the words to express how bad this is? When I can't find words, we're in trouble.

*Speaking of curse words, are you ever surprised at what comes out of your own mouth? Last night I was behind a really slow car for a few miles, and when they were finally going another way, but slooowwwllly, I said something (I talk to traffic all the time) about if they didn't "get the everloving fuck out of my way", and then did a little double-take at myself. The what?

I just don't know what I'll do if next week isn't better.