It's getting late. I should be starting to get ready for bed. I would be a night owl if I didn't have to get up in the morning, but I do.
I don't put my book down.
Or I keep watching TV.
The program ends, and I search for another. Come on, come on, there has to be something on. Come on. Something.
Because I'm poised under a wave. I can feel it trembling in the air around me. A huge, painful wave, and
if I can't hold it off,
if I acknowledge it,
it will fall on me. It will cover me and it will be all there is, and nothing will get through it.
Pain. Sorrow. Misery.
No good memories. No perspective. No comfort.
They wait to swamp me at night. When they can get all my attention. When they can wash over everything. When all the distractions that get me through the day, that build my walls and hold me up, crumble around me. And there's nothing but bitterness.
Not every night. But many nights. Once I get in bed, I sleep. But getting there can be insurmountable.
I also fight sleep until I know that when I finally lay down (and it feels so good to finally lay down!) I will be out in minutes. I need to be too tired to acknowledge the mind mine fields that rise up around me, large and menacing. If I can just slip past them into unconsciousness, I'll be okay.
ReplyDeleteThis frequently leaves me with serious sleep-deprivation issues. I'd still take that over some of the night terrors that can stalk me like Death Eaters.
Sun. Sun is good. So is Friday. TGIF!