today

Seven years ago today, my cousin Paul died. I miss him. And that's all I have to say for today.

Later: upon further thought, that isn't quite true.

I didn't write a thing yesterday about what was foremost in the minds of many, the events of September 11, 2001. It isn't that I didn't think about it, but I didn't write about it. I haven't forgotten it, and in fact I think about it quite frequently, but I guess I've just reached the point where it doesn't matter more on the actual anniversary than it does any other day. It's easy for me to say, I didn't lose anyone that day, and I am in no way trying to dictate anyone else's feelings or emotions or recovery timeline. Everyone's different. I wore a memory bracelet every day for the first few years, and probably some people would think that was excessive. I am simply saying that for me, I'm now ready to think of September 11 as my cousin's birthday, the way September 9 is my brother's birthday.

Because Paul's death was personal to me in a way September 11 wasn't, I am in a different place with it. I don't think of it as "September 12", and in fact, I only realized mid-afternoon yesterday that today was the day. I think of Paul whenever I see a motorcycle, or run across a picture of him in a photo album, or sometimes when I see a Saturn, since he used to work for them. I also think of Paul when I think of my friend Pat, since she also died in 1999. And since she was the one who would joke, when a movie on TV started with that message about the formatting having been changed to fit your TV, "How do they know how big my TV is?", I think of her a lot, too. She liked wolves ("Puppies!"), and NASCAR ("Go, Dale!"), and we were friends and I miss her.

I don't mean that I think about either of them, or about 1999, and get deeply depressed frequently. I think about them briefly, and remember them, and am sad for a moment, frequently. Only sometimes do I think about them longer, and get very sad about it. Today is one of those days, although I am also pleased that the condo purchase is going forward; it's like the roller coaster I've been on for the past fortnight is now a seesaw. I'm up, I'm down. Which makes me human, I suppose. I could wish for more than that, but you take what you get.